I consider myself a good person, others call me a good person. If I’m so good why do i suffer the way I do? Is it a test, is it cause i ask for it by trying to be a good person? I don’t know anymore, there is pain that I’m willing to take but this pain is something i don’t want. I wanna move on yeah, but I was about to give you the world. And all you can do is go on a rampage and not even try to talk to me. I loved you…do I now? I don’t know, you made me so sad i could be suicidal but I’m not gonna hurt myself or beat myself up anymore. Yeah I’m still sad but I’m not gonna keep my head down. My head will stay up and I’ll move on, and I’ll find happiness again, weather it with another person or its just me and my friends (who always make me happy). Ya know what though, you don’t know what you got till its gone. I hope you realize this cause guess what? I’m fuckin gone.
I look at my siblings list, my friends list, the contacts in my phone, i hear my mom and dad’s voice…and I realize, that my life is fucking amazing, and there shouldn’t be a day where I’m sad…the days of sadness for me are coming to an end. And I’ll be god damned if someone tries to make me sad again.
Even though I show no fear in most cases, I actually do have a large number of them. My first fear…bees, yep thats right I’m terrified of bees why? when I was younger I actually watch a friend of mine who got stung by a bee die in front of me and I’ve been afraid of them ever since.
Next fear is loneliness, I fear it because…well I don’t really know I guess its the since of just not having someone next to me, we don’t have to say anything they can just be sitting in the room and I’ll feel protected I guess.
The next is seeing people that I love getting hurt. I fear it cause I fear losing them and so I will do what it takes to prevent them from being hurt. Sometimes this means I get hurt or use my own anger to protect them in a way. Which leads to my last fear.
My last and final fear…the one thing i fear the most…my rage. It can cause so much pain so much destruction…I’ve hurt people that I never wanted to hurt and at the end of it all, I feel like utter crap. Drained to the point of wanting to die.
Watching Mickey and the Beanstalk with my grandma…